'If you have something deep in your heart you should find a way to share it . . . maybe you should make a film about your past' - A pharaphased peace from a private message.
I now feel apart of the industry I've spent 12 years trying to get in. I got my very first gig back in 1999 . . . . <- my first gig. I'm somewhere in the background. (Grip/PA/ and all around crew member) I think I learned more on that 3 day shoot that my mom used to drive me to than 13 months of film school at Full Sail. Though without film school I wouldn't have met as many wonderful friends who are helping me perform some miracles soon.
When I was 17-20 my life felt like it was collapsing on me. And it seems I've survived that. Some men wish they were hercules but I'd rather be Atlas, because I think I know how he feels.
Currently I'm working for one of the biggest shows on television and despite the day to day annoyances that invariably are apart of working in any level of media I know that it's a blessing being there. No more gorilla suits on the side of the road, no more suicidal phone calls from friends for hours, no more loaning money, no more sleepless nights (unless my neighbor argues with his wife at midnight again) *.*, no more crying alone underneath a bed, no more working with gang bangers and drug deals (okay this is kind of a joke, I did but at a legitimate job (Greyhound track) and they were a nice crew most of them fresh out of jail and legitimately trying to reform and be good guys and almost all of them I'd still consider good friends if they'd recognize me.) But I've past it. Onto the next level. I still struggle to pay my bills . . . . but I've found a balance.
I know I'm expecting great joy in my life soon. Something I've been working on for a long time but my family taught me that sometimes when you're expecting greatness in your future you need to reflect on not so greatness in your past and respect that . . . . you're there . . . . you've made it . . . . you've survived it . . . . you've past it . . . . and you're not budging your life for any mother fucker. Things are coming. Changes. I think I can be so melodramatic because I know how much 1 less smile and 1 word differently can affect another person. 'I love you' and 'fuck off' can affect people for the rest of their lives if it hits at the right time. But that's life . . . and life goes on. Music makes me smile and so does sharing my thoughts.
I started this movie last night by Ken Russell called 'The Devils' about religious corruption something that I kind of understand being raised in the bible belt at a school that required bible as a course (not kidding).
People think when I speak my mind that I'm speaking it too much, that I'm thinking too much, that people really don't care or want to know and the thing that gets to me the most . . . is how many people's blogs, facebook posts, jokes, thoughts and things they let out of their mouths are simply mindless unintelligent small talk with no rhyme heart or reason but just to remind people that they're there and they have an opinion on stuff and things...which despite that is almost useless anyways. Conversations sometimes feel like the lyrics to a bad pop song as much as I long for meaning and heart, I'd be guilty if I said I didn't love bad pop songs. If I had one word to describe myself it'd be misunderstood. My twin brother has known me for 25 years and he doesn't get me most of the time. It's taken a lot of work for us to get each other...so why am I always so surprised when someone else from my regular life 'just doesn't get me' . . . . well what are you gonna do.
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