Thursday, June 13, 2013

Poems from my High School and College Daze.

I wrote all of these poems years ago when I was in a strange place and a strange time. They mean so much to my past. I used to love poetry. I had a reason to back then. I was published in 11th grade in a teacher's anthology of poems. A collection distributed across schools across the U.S. so I guess I have a knack but I found these in a box of memories in my attic. I haven't seen most of these in almost 9 years. But they still seem fresh so I thought I'd publish them here.

Poem 1:

Neither stars in the sky nor drops in the sea, 
Could be traded for happiness or the love of life, 
For such a thing should be cherished like a rarity, 
And should not be given up over struggle or strife, 
Cradle and hold it in the place that love lies, 
Keep it safe, keep it warm inside of your heart, 
Capture it even the every tear that one cries, 
For once inside you this feeling should never depart, 
And tossing it away once is like going suddenly blind, 
Without this emotion the world would be in eternal night, 
And only sorrow at its loss would you then find, 
Until you recover that tiny beacon of radiantly shining light, 
Yes neither the great oceans below nor bright starts above, 
Can ever amount to the feeling of happiness or love. 

An Open Heart:

Open your heart like a door
Cast the key upon the floor
A freezing cold wind deep inside . . . 
This door has not been open before.

The Pain: 

Legs are shaking 
Eyes are numb
Cannot look back to see what I've done 
Coldness envelopes my heart
To the world I alone severed and apart
The severity of emotions . . . surreal

So what's the appeal . . . ? 


Chilling poses of lovers
Wrapped in a temple of flesh
Each looking at each other
Knowing the other is simply the best
Feeling their mortal breaths
Knowing they might fade or die . . . 
Only merely questioning love's depths

If this feeling doesn't last, why not just give it a try ? 


There are no words which can explain
The writhing tickling inside my brain
Twitching, pondering, being driven insane
For these scenarios I have no shame. 

Society feeds the fears that would otherwise free it:

Society . . . looks down on individual. 
And judges them
There comes a time in every boy's life, 
were he'll need to become a man 
Now I am truly here and back again 
Because those who claim to care
Pathetically try to understand
That I am someone else and not them.

Man of Steel - A Review Thingy.

Did I love this movie . . . NO.

Did I enjoy this movie . . . YES.

Is it worth seeing . . . ? ABSOLUTELY.

Is this kind of a mixed message . . .  . I don't care.

I love this character. When he's well written. And he's damn hard to write.

He can be violent, passionate, energetic and charming...and this film does capture all of those things rather than making him a stilted boy scout whose main superpower is spewing platitudes on the devastated masses.

Is Henry's Kal-El as charming as  Christopher Reeve . . . ? No absolutely not, no comparison, not even close. But the 70's were a different time in films and this is trying to be the bigger better modern version.

There is no winking at the camera in this film. I know some of the older people I've spoken to miss that level of grace and charm. I don't miss the wink but I missed the grace and charm. This movie had collateral damage, a few cute little charming winks, but not the kind of fluff you would have got from the older film. It's simply not that film.

But it's also not dark like the Batman films either. It has fun jokes peppered throughout if you pay close enough attention and it has its light hearted moments (like a giddy flying training sequence, that's kinda fun, but also kinda cheesy and in all honesty I didn't like that much, but it does mean the movie did try to have a fun sequence and for that I give it credit. I warmed up on this sequence upon second viewing) and it has one or two other playful sequences. Superman should have these things...after all HE'S NOT BATMAN!!!...and that's okay. And Snyder didn't try to make it like the Dark Knight at all! So just because Nolan's name is attached people should stop making this comparison cause it's just not true. Is it less tongue and cheek than Superman of the 70's? Yes of course its trying to be the definitive modern version. And "Superman Returns" doesn't count because all that film did was homage the Reeve's pictures.

It's not a masterpiece like I'd hoped. It's not a space opera like I wanted. It tried. It didn't fail but it limped by...passing grade C-. But I'll add 3 bonus points extra credit for a few scenes I absolutely loved so it's a C+.

Lets get down to the nuts and bolts oh and now is the time I use the "S" word. ***SPOILERS***

. . . The "S" doesn't stand for 'Hope' or 'Super' it stands for *SPOILERS*

Opening scene:

Sci Fi Gobbldy Guck Crap- The opening sequence should have been quiet and emotional, with a little bit of spectacle to taste. But their are way too many elements going on to follow at first glance. It's like performing a magic trick while telling a self involved story that really goes nowhere. The drama of this sequence should be that their planet is dying and their son is the last hope for their race. Yeah introduce Zod it needs to be done. But all the language about 1st birth, codex, a giant dragonfly lion named something . . . WHO CARES!?! Stop throwing spices into the pot and over complicate a dish that should just be simple. And that's one weakness of science fiction. You should never be explaining your society. You should always just show how it works but if you have to explain the culture keep it natural and simple and let it flow...this doesn't feel natural and simple it feels like a forced exposition. It's setting up a pay off I don't honestly care about. Planet dying, Superman born, Zod bad...done.

But it is pretty. That's for damn sure. Zack can shoot the hell out of an action sequence.

It introduces Russell Crowe as a thoughtful caring Dad. Which is important. It introduces Krypton's doom in a rather convincing way about how the elders are being pretty naive and somewhat acquiescence. Then Zod and his army try to overthrow the council. And spouts off some crap about 'bloodlines' . . . that never pays off later on in the film. (sorry to say, I guess there are winks at what he means but not really just another ingredient the dish didn't need and dialog that appeared forced and doesn't push the story forward really) He kills someone, it's super cool, blue flames, loud noises, someone drops a hat. There is a chase . . . it features a dragonfly lion. Russell Crowe beats the super sh*(*@(t out of his captures and leads them on a merry chase . . . with the dragonfly lion. The Kryptonian technology kinda works like an extremely high tech version of . . . 

It's a departure from the monotone look of Krypton from the Reeve's pictures (Aka; white and crystals), it's kinda cool. It shows this society has more than just you know "crystals" which I always thought was kinda weird. But the look is kinda awkward design wise. Even though every time they use the technology it makes me think of this thing pictured above, which kinda takes me out of the 'oohhh space technology' awe feeling, but then again how many different ways can you see holograms in films? They wanted to try to differentiate the look from both the comic Krypton and the Reeve's pictures Krypton. A new look. I don't much care for it but eh that's just personal taste for me. 

Superman flies off. Zod is looking for this plot device called 'the codex' which Jor-El (Russell Crowe) stole and apparently hid aboard his son's spacecraft.

Then before the planet implodes Zod and his minions are sentenced to be frozen and flown out in space.

It's not a bad opening sequence. There is simply just way to much stuff going on. And the stuff that is going on (cause I saw it twice) doesn't make more sense the second time around like a great mystery would. It is simply just their to keep the first act more busy than it really needed to be. It should have been personal and dare I say operatic in a way like an opening scene should be, it should have also been just a little mysterious, rather than tell us everything they're doing in the dialog maybe just show us and reveal it later (which they kinda do) but they still explain a lot and over pepper too much.

  * Seriously look at this face, dude's pissed *

The Begining of the Film:

Boom, he's on a boat crab fishing. This is that sequence from the trailers. But the opening sequence already was kind of a jarring let-down that took the momentum out of me and left me confused. But now this is the true blue beginning of the film....

Clark is on a fishing boat. He is gruff. A quiet loner. The crew of his boat call him 'green horn' apparently the crew doesn't know his real name. He is in training, testing his abilities. Over the dispatch they hear a distress call from an oil rig. And now for the first truly 'Super' moment of the film. Suddenly he's on the flaming oil rig. He rips the door off to save some trapped crew and leads them to a helicopter that flies them away. As the helicopter flies he holds up the oil rig's massive flaming beam in just enough time before it falls over to let them fly away safely. It is an awesome moment, he strains and cries, you can see the pain on his face holding this massive chunk of steel and iron. It knocks him back into the water.

Flashback time.

Between now and throughout the film there are a series of flashbacks that annoyed me my first time watching but felt right the second time. I guess I understood the flow they were going for more the second time and the first time feared they were just trying to be artistic. It works though to get through his story in a different way than I expected they would a more traditionally paced film.

Flashback 1. He is young, in a classroom and instead of getting bad acne and his voice breaking he gets X-ray vision and super hearing. Awkward for any young child just hitting super puberty. He runs into a closet crying. He can hear the kids make fun of how weird he is. His mother comes to get him and gives a speech about 'pretending the world's an island'. Nothing about this speech feels natural. It works  in a trailer but feels really stupid in the film. It's trying to create a moment but that's not how Moms talk to young kids when they're just scared...even super kids. That analogy comes out of nowhere and it's basically the writing equivalent of masturbating. He just thinks it's too clever to let it go.

Flashback 2. He is a little older. A bus crashes off a bridge and he pushes it and all the children to safety. One of the mother's of the rescued kids tells the Kent's that their son is a gift from god. Pa Kent (played amazingly well by Kevin Costner) reveals to the young Clark about how they found him in a capsule that fell to earth and as cheesy as it sounds Costner delivers ever line he is given with weight and gravitas that makes me feel warm inside. He feels like a real Dad. For me he is one of the strongest things this movie has going for it.

There are several other flashbacks where he holds back from bullies which is cool and one I'll mention later. But Costner is the glue in all these sequences, given those same lines we hear and are conditioned to hear in every Superhero film from either Alfred, Pa Kent, Jarvis, or Aunt Mae, Costner delivers them better than anyone else I can think of in the superhero genre as of late.

The Lois Plot:

Clark is now in the arctic working with a team that's trying to pull something out of the ice. (A several thousand year old Kryptonian space ship) and this scene introduces Lois. Who is a feisty great reporter (Here in this moment in this scene I believe Amy Adams is "Lois" and gets the character.) Well she snoops into the ice after being ill advised to and finds Clark just walking around in a nice thin shirt, Clark discovers that this is an old Kryptonian space ship and finds the hologram of his true father and learns his true name. Then Lois is attacked by a robot and he cauterizes the wound with his laser vision and sets her away and flies away. Then Lois asks to run an article about the mysterious alien through Perry White (Played Lawrence Fishburne), who I kinda like.

So Perry laughs at the Alien article and says no one will believe it but if they do how will it affect the world (which is horrible naive in this day of media people post all sorts of crazy articles and no one believes them) and let's be honest at this moment Lois switches from being Lois to being  this woman personality wise. The whole VO about how she must have seen something feels so derivative of Scully's final words in numerous X-Files episodes I can't escape it. But maybe I just figured that myself cause Lois I always thought was more skeptical and grounded but than again Dana is too, it just felt too for me. That's she's buying into alien beings way too easy. And the tone of the the introduction of Zod feels that way too, like why isn't their rioting the moment an alien announces his presence to earth? This isn't the Marvel Universe where these kinda things are common occurrence and this is trying to be more realistic than other comic book films, so why not a realistic reaction to that sort of thing. Everyone just seems to placidly accept it. Where's my panic dammit!  Oh their it is. (Yes I  made a "Widespread Panic" joke in my Superman review.)

So anyways Lois tracks him down and prints his story to a Conspiracy Theory website and gives her story to a guy named Woodburn. Which stuck out to me cause it seemed like a reference, like a little writer's inside joke.  I wonder if the movie picked this release date cause it's only a week from the Watergate scandal 41 years ago. (June 17th 1972) (I doubt it I'm just being silly now.) Anyways blah blah blah, Lois tracks him through a series of flash cuts to Pa Kent's grave, flashback blah blah blah Kevin Costner dies in a ...

Wait, now their is a scene of note that probably divided the audiences. Pa Kent's death.

Yes a tornado hits Kansas (as one does) in the middle of traffic and they evacuate their car but OH NO the family dog is trapped in the car. Clark is older than the kid (played by Henry playing a younger version of himself later in the film), he's younger for sure I'd say about 17 - 18 he's suppose to be he has a typical movie dad argument, that I actually believe, it feels very natural. Anyways tornado hits, and Clark knows he can easily get the dog, but their are people around who will see his Super nature so Pa volunteers to get the dog, get's trapped and lets the hurricane take him away flagging his son down asking him not to save him, not to show off again. That's part of the theme of the child Superman's storyline to keep his alien half a secret. The father's trying to keep him safe from the harm of men...and you know what. I LOVE this scene. (Despite the dog is an old cliche.) It shows a character moment between a father and son and that he trusted his father and it was more powerful to show him wait as a character moment than to show him do something 'cool and super' in that moment and screw all the haters cause that scene needed to happen in one way or another.

Anyways, I'm getting bored with explaining the rest of this Independence Day derivative plot. Zod asks for Superman to surrender, he does, flies up to to their space station, they change the atmosphere, he's weaker, crappy dialog, backstory and exposition. Amy Adam's meets Russell Crowe's hologram who leads her out on an escape pod (which gets dinged up on the way into the atmosphere) so the Russell Crowe hologram tells him he can save them all. So he actually picks up her escape pod as it's falling and flies her sensually to safety. A cool little action sequence for sure.

Anyways a dream sequence that's kinda cool but the trailers use shots from it that made me think it wasn't a dream . . . aka the pic below. 
Explains that Zod will use the 'World Engine' a device Kryptonian's use to change planets atmophere to acclimate to Kryptons...cause they can't wear that silly armor all the time.  oh wait sorry that's from "Prometheus"

Okay that's Zod's armor.  (It's better than this ridiculous looking armor *Zod's armor from the comics.)

 Anyways blah blah blah Zod argues with holograms, blah blah, Superman tests his powers and fights other Kryptonians, like sexy mic fem fatal.

 Sexy role playing, I'll be the Superman and you'll be the Kryptonian woman, it's time for a super spanking...anyways...she and some other grunt worker kick Superman's ass for a little bit but she's actually more of a badass than Zod. Zod starts freaking out when part of his helmet rips off. (I think this scene actually came earlier but seriously after they get on the space ship the 3rd act is blur, until the very end.

Anyways the next like hour or 45 minutes of the movie is nonstop fighting, maybe some plot happens during this, maybe it doesn't. But whatever who cares. Anyways, eventually Superman takes out the 'world engine' it weakens him a little, as an atmospheric generator would anyone. Blah blah blah Zod get's acclimated 'finally' for a general he's been bitchy most of this movie. But not too much. So Zod and Superman have their heroic collateral damage fight scene that Superman fans have been waiting for. And it's pretty good well it would be pretty good if they didn't already show off their flying through walls tracking shot effects for 30 minutes previous but visually it's pretty impressive, it moves around a lot though but they're Super people realistically that's how they would move. I know some people hated it but I loved it but it's one of those cool effects I wish they would hold back for special dramatic moments, I think they definitely overused it and it lost it's luster. You can't show your monster too much and you can't overuse a good special effect cause it just felt like it was the only trick the movie had in it's arsenal to show off his Superness and there are other things he can do.

So sorry cool line moment paraphrased 'I trained my whole life to be a solider, where did you train...on a farm!'

Anyways he eventually corners Zod in like a Central Station type place and chockholds him. As Zod declares 'it ends only one way, I die or your do'...So Superman SNAPS HIS *((*&(*&@* neck in half...and IT'S AWESOME. No it filled me with a sense of awe yeah. And some people hate this. Clearly these people only know of the character from just Christopher Reeves and aren't familiar with

Or the fact that this character isn't as predictable and rigid as "Superman doesn't kill" that's horribly juvenile to think a hero in these stakes shouldn't or bandaid him with such a blanket statement. The character needed this moment. Because if he just fought a robot who gives a crap. This character needed this moment he had to make an adult choice for his race or the race that adopted him that didn't even like him at first. And sorry for all the haters but I don't think you understood this character clearly. Obviously he was deeply conflicted. 
He's Superman not Super Guy...and this was a man descision. It needed to be their. Also screw you Superhero purists Michael Keaton's Batman murders 2 people (Light's a man in a devil costume on fire in "Batman Returns" and he throws Joker's henchmen off a building in "Batman", Batman doesn't kill, yeah right...also anyone remember the ending of Superman II? THOSE KRYPTONIANS LOST THEIR POWERS, THEY'RE ALL DEAD!!! They're not less dead because this movie is more tongue and cheek. It's just less of a dramatic moment.)

Read "Kingdom Come" if you want my idea of what make's Superman great. It's sincerely one of the very best graphic novels ever written at least for a fan of Superheros.

Okay there are two buttons on the end of the movie 1 is kinda cool the other is total fan service and lame. Superman throws a satellite dish at the grumpy general established earlier to be like a skeptic and says 'Hey I'm not going to let you see where I hang my cape'. A cool little confrontation ruined by a girl saying 'he's kinda hot' her blushing was enough, she didn't need to say what was clearly obvious. Also you should never tell your audience how to feel about a character you should show the character and they'll make up their minds. Maybe their are exceptions the line just felt unnecessary and awkward.

The other button is he joins the Daily Planet and puts on his glasses...and I bet throughout the entire movie you DIDN'T EVEN MISS IT. I know I certainly didn't. I never missed him working at the Daily Planet, it's an obvious distraction that leads to such questions why doesn't anyone notice him. That is one thing this movie got right. And yes their is absolutely no mention of Kryptonite in this movie.

PLUS'S and MINUS'S of this movie:

Minus -

1.) Dialog is forced and awkward in most instances.
2.) The pacing is uneven and smoothens out a little but never crescendos to a classic movie moment.
3.) They misuse the's peppered in their yes, but it never pulses to create that perfect movie moment.

4.) They overplay their action set peaces. They should have paused a hell of a lot more for dramatic character moments in the third act.
5.) I think his flying training sequence is dumb. I warmed up the second time, but that sequence would have been the perfect time to incorporate a great musical theme to accompany it.
7.) Zod's kinda a bitch. Until the third act. (Which is good I like that final fight scene...but he doesn't really fight or act like a badass until then. It's a little thing that doesn't really bug me all too much but worth a note.)
8.) The Kryptonian's designs, and that's just a personal aethstetic thing, the armor looks cool but the rest of their technology looks rather generic from a design standpoint. It doesn't really pop. It's like stock sci fi design.
9.) Cliche scene set pieces, like the dog and the kissing scene, and a lot of the structure of the film. I wasn't really surprised too many times. It's a typical formulaic Superhero structure with a few things done differently.

Things I liked:

1.) Kevin Costner is great.
2.) Russell Crowe's hologram scene with Lois is light hearted and fun.
3.) The emotionality and depth they tried to put into this character.
4.) The action looks amazing, although it is overplayed.
5.) The score, yeah they don't use it well in the film but I bought the soundtrack and it's fantastic.
6.) Zod's death and final fight has some true emotionality and worldly stakes to it.

Everyone has their own idea of what this character should be, that's why every nuance of this film has already been picked apart. You shouldn't go into thinking of 'what you'd like to see' but merely examine what is their. But this film I still felt lacked poetry, operatic nuances, and true dramatic gravitas. I think the film's editor and of course director are to blame. I think enough of the elements are their to be milked. I'm hoping their is a sequel and I'm hoping the sequel is written with that and with cute little dramatic winks like Reeve's had winking to the camera. But not too many. It's not the 70's anymore. This was as said a base hit. A solid bunt. This is not a home run or grand slam. But in the first "Superman" with Christopher Reeve he rewinds the world...that's kind of dumb as hell. That's not a perfect movie. But it does have weight and light hearted humor which this film doesn't, not much of anyway, but should this film have? Maybe a little more than it did. It's not a fail, it's not a total loss, it's not a bad movie, it's just weak compared to what it could have been, what it should have been, and selfishly what I wanted it be. Tarantino has proved that two men talking in a room can be just as intense if not more so than all the explosions in the world. And I think this movie didn't need as much action as it had, it just needed some more great character moments. It had moments that took my breath away though but many more moments that made me yawn. Superman can be more than platitudes, exposition and character introductions...he deserves better.

Tonally however this movie kinda reminds me of . . . (at least in terms of sheer destruction and some framing choices.)

(Obviously "Akira" is a much better film.)

I still love this trailer. I wish the movie had as much weight as this trailer made me think it would.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Fresh Eyes

When your sitting the quiet of your bed late at night, and all you have is the whispering echos of your past screaming at you beckoning to take the great 'what if I did something different' train . . . don't. I get nostalgic the same as the next for the great past I've lived. I've not been blessed with the most perfect situation in the world, but I've gotten by. I've lost my heart and gained my guts. You can get lost in your head with scenarios but it's better to get lost in your life. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Strange Trip Home

"I hate this stupid rain" ~

"It can't rain all time" `

'Neither stars in the sky nor drops in the sea, 
Could be traded for happiness or the love of life, 
For such a thing should be cherished like a rarity, 
And should not be given up over struggle or strife, 
Cradle and hold it in the place that love lies, 
Keep it safe, keep it warm inside of your heart, 
Capture it even the every tear that one cries, 
For once inside you this feeling should never depart, 
And tossing it away once is like going suddenly blind, 
Without this emotion the world would be in eternal night, 
And only sorrow at its loss would you then find, 
Until you recover that tiny beacon of radiantly shining light, 
Yes neither the great oceans below nor bright starts above, 
Can ever amount to the feeling of happiness or love.' < - A poem titled 'Cherish' I wrote in high school.  

Found an excerpt from my old college journal,  'Florida's sun raped me today . . . . you know you are really, really, sweaty & sticky, when you can ring out your wallet and it drips to the floor.' 

That wasn't the only thing that dripped to the floor in my college days. Mostly tears. 

My hiatus/vacation to Mobile nearly broke me emotionally this time but it also awoken a spirit I'd lost for 9 years. 

I used to have the dreamer's heart of a poet and it's been severely dulled over the past couple of years, flaring up occasionally, but not nearly as passionate as in my college and high school days with so much hope and love but rather than giving it to others I know I only gave it in slashing cuts of passion to one girl. A girl who even 6 years after not seeing her face an old friend came out to LA and asked me how she was doing . . . as if we were still together. And if that's the kind of impact it had on someone else, I guess I know how deep it impacted me. 

In retrospect, what a waste. But in introspect I wish I would have done more back then, it's cliche to look on your past and remember how naive you were, tedious, but if I were the man I am today back then I can think of only one scared shitless little girl I'd like to say hello to look her into the eyes with the ghost of the future and say 'beautiful, I promise, promise, it gets better…it really gets better'. Not for 'our' sake, but for life's. 

Maybe so she'd know all her pain wasn't in vain and that I actually did make something of my life, not much but much better than staying trapped in your hometown moderately cranking out a 9-5 in order to make a moderate paycheck to take home my bitters to a wife I'd of married too young when the spark has died dulled and grey occasionally flaring up but not as passionate as those first 2 years.

But after crying for nearly 8 hours and having little spasmodic flare ups of memory and writing like I did in high school and college I realize that nostalgia and memory are powerful things and not to be fucked with. And I was fucking with them, taunting them, like ghosts daring them to haunt me. If you ever want to fuck with an ex-lover stare directly into the lens in every photograph that you take, that way when say 8 years later they open up a box of memories, every scrap of faded photograph, every poem, love letter, . . . looks like your staring right through them. 

When you pull a knife from a young girl's wrist and toss it across the room in a fit of panic, sync your breaths like drum beats and whisper in her ear 'It's going to be okay, I love you' and mean it, it's a frightening thing to revisit 8 years later.  Just a scrape otherwise this anecdote would end in a hospital visit…but frightening none the less. That little fit in my life has been wild and I had forgotten almost all of that entire almost 2 1/2 year period. I've only remembered a few episodes from high school and college most of it is a 100% blur . . . but this box cracked open every memory I'd ever blocked from resurfacing flooded back, even the banal ones like the pair of shoes my friend Elizabeth was wearing at the hotdog stand when I ran into her when I first started dating my high school girlfriend at the football games we only went to as an excuse to see each other (cause we hated sports). Every nuance, drop of rain, haircut, kiss, hand holding, smell, smell, bullet hole in the ceiling (true). Like a vietnam vet standing at the wall and seeing the name of an old friend shot down. PTSD. Sounds silly but if I had it it'd be in the form of a very fragile, very small, blond woman whose name I can't even bare to write in this journal now. It took so many forms in my college one. I guess you can't put a bandaid on your past. I've made so many mistakes. I'm happy I'm making less in my present and growing more and more brave at this little section of existence in the universe called 'my life'. 

But there were other things on this trip home; some awkward visits with friends, some amazing visits with friends, some breathtakingly peaceful moments, some other frightening gems from the past I'm not putting in this journal, and some introspective moments that made me just laugh myself stupid.  

My old high school make-out spot is no longer their. A shaved ice stand that used to be in parking lot in front of a thrift shop called "Tuesday Morning". 

The theatre where I saw my very first movie is being torn down. 

I trespassed on the condo where I used to go to the beach many summers. 

I visited 4 states this trip, a bar show with a  band called 'Baak Gwai' (Chinese for "White Trash") in Mississippi, ate at the world famous "Palace Cafe" in New Orleans, drove to the beach in Florida . . . and of course my home town Mobile, Alabama. 

The smell of the weather is something you don't find in LA. Moist but filled with the breath of so much wildlife. It brought most of the memories back. I've been gone almost 5 years, it's fine. I was away for College. I don't want to move back. But this is the first time I ever got truly nostalgic, not longing for the past but truly having a deep introspective understanding of where I came from. I found a series of poems and short stories I'd wrote in high school those were wonderful to re-read. I found copies of my college journal that has some of the exact thoughts from this journal I started writing only about 3 years ago…so it's good to know my heart hasn't changed too terribly much. 

I don't go to church anymore, I threw out my old Bible an an old Salvador Dali book I found in my memory box, If their is a god I sincerely doubt he's associated with all the painful memories I have from that book. Truth be told I'd fell in love with a girl who didn't believe in god, when I lost her, I gave up the religion all together, the logic of 'evolution' and various the scientific and intellectual principles didn't come to play in my life til much later. I gave it up on the pure gut reaction of the only pure feeling I'd ever had came only once. And I have only felt a glimpse of it once, in one other girl. Sex is fun. But a girl that could level you with her eyes. Whose smile just made you floaty and woozy and whose laugh made your spirit orgasm are almost one in a billion or maybe just one. But also one who could make you cry for hours with just one memory. Even the simplest one, like an argument we had once about shoes, I can't remember what for. She once cried for hours over a haircut she'd gotten, that memory makes me laugh. But my god, I'd literally buried every thing in this box…as if until I opened it this chapter of my life didn't even happen. It's frightening. There are no real echos of it anywhere else in my world. Not online, not in my circle of friends. I still have one thing from that time in my life, a bag which I use every day whose memory has transcended that time, cause I've had so many stories with it. 

Fear comes in the most unusual of packages. But in my memory box I was determined to face it head on. And I feel emotionally violated. Even something as simple as a high school yearbook makes me cry like a little bitch.  

'I am slain' - Hamlet.  

There is a scene in the movie "The Crow" where Eric Draven grabs the face of the villain's eyes and shows him all the pain he caused and he experiences every moment of Eric's pain of his wife dying after being raped. Opening that memory box felt like that moment. It's it's the best analogy I can give to describe my emotions because if I could shake your hand and you experience that flood, drowning of emotions of not just a girl but literally every nuance of your past that shaped you in one flood, down to that little artist Erin who sat behind you in 9th grade science all at once…your heart might stop. My hands are literally shaking typing this.  

'There's something I want to give you . . . I don't want it anymore . . .' 

I've changed a lot since then. Matured. But in a lot of ways I'm still an emotional train wreck. But I guess we all are or otherwise spoiled by life experiences that can only be described as banal. I may have had only one moment that sucked the life out of me…but most people don't even get that one. So I'm grateful. 

Other than crying like a bitch at night when no one could see me and having really weird dreams. This past trip home was amazing with amazing visits with my brother and friends I'm extra grateful for.  


I'd thought of what I would do if that little girl lost appeared in my life again. I remember one day after I moved to college I told her I wouldn't be able to fly home (a lie) bought a plane ticket home during the hurricane called her mom and told her not to pick her up at school and while she was waiting in the parking lot, lost and lonely I snuck up behind her with a white rose and she stared at me as if she was staring at a ghost. I'd probably faint.